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Recent Stories
This is a letter to the world. It's been four years in August. I still remember it like it happened yesterday. I didn't know then what I know now.. about any of this. I'm hoping this will help to create awareness and, as well, that it will be therapeutic to me. There are a total of six people who know the full details outside of myself and the rapist himself - five of them are therapists or medical professionals. Here goes. On August 21, 2012, I was feeling young. I was feeling some pride in myself for the first time in well over a decade. I felt beautiful and self-confident. I had decided that I was going to have a good day. As the day progressed, I became aware of the fact that having a good day was not in the cards. There was too much death. I lived with my father as his caretaker. The community we lived in wasn't exactly tight-knit, but everyone knew everyone else. There was a woman who was old, but sweeter than homemade apple pie. She died that day. Her puppy, who was one of the sweetest, loving animals I'd ever met, was left without a home. I don't know to this day what happened to him. I then heard about a double homicide in our area. While no murder is ever a good thing, this one was different. I knew one of the victims. I'd served with her in a local charity organization. She was kind, rowdy, outspoken, humane, compassionate and absolutely beautiful. Her and her nephew were gunned down inside of her home by her former boyfriend. It hurt so bad. She was a fire in a world of darkness. Upon learning of this, I decided to go to the local dive bar. I needed a drink. I knew there would be other friends of hers there and that we could support and be there for one another. I hopped on the bus to the bar and, upon arrival, looked around and saw my fellow mourners. People were in corners, clutching their beers and drinks, tears freely flowing from their faces. We were all destroyed. I went to the counter and proceeded to procure myself a few drinks. As the night wore on, I knew that I was going to be absolutely hammered if I had anything to say about it. At some point, the man who would later become my husband arrived. He held me and he held the others, trying to offer any comfort that he could. At some point around midnight, we decided to go back to his house. I hoped that the drinking would continue. I didn't want to feel. Sure enough, we arrived and his two roommates, both friends of ours, were there with alcohol in hand. They offered comfort and kindness along with the bottles. I felt safe and that I could trust all three men. One (who I'll call Jake) was my future husband. One was his first roommate (who I'll call Mark) and a gentleman. The third was Jake's second roommate (who I'll call Carl). All three were dear to me. I trusted all of them. I feel foolish for having done so in hindsight. As the night wore on, Mark, Carl and myself decided to hop into the household hot tub. We were all naked but there was no sexual intent. The two men knew that my heart, even then, belonged to Jake. He was my best friend and we were very much in love. Jake, unfortunately, had had too much to drink and sat outside of the hot tub trying to reel himself in from "the spins". Mark and Carl sat and talked with me in the hot tub. We spoke about our friendships and we spoke about body types. I laughed at the thought that my body type was once considered to be the ideal. Curvy girls get a lot of flak now. I could feel my confidence and smiled in spite of the grief for just a moment. At some point, Mark decided to get out and go to sleep. He bid us a good night and went in. Carl and I sat in the hot tub, Jake still sitting near the hot tub and trying to recover. I knew that I was more drunk than I'd ever been. I could feel the alcohol continuing to pump through my body and my inhibitions quickly disappearing. Quite suddenly, Carl pulled me towards him and tried to kiss me. I pushed away from him and fell backward, hitting my head hard on the opposite side of the hot tub. The alcohol seemed to jump up in intensity right then. I floated near the surface, my head resting on the side of the hot tub. I looked over at Jake, knowing that something wasn't right. I didn't realize then that I'd suffered a concussion. Suddenly, I felt hands on my legs. I turned my eyes downward and saw Carl, pulling my legs apart and moving between them. At first, I felt a kind of shock. This couldn't have been the same man who I was laughing with earlier. Then, I suddenly felt a pain rip through me. He was violently shoving his penis into my vagina. I winced, my eyes slamming shut. I looked toward Jake with panic in my eyes. As Carl repeatedly slammed into me, causing my body to be knocked into the hot tub walls, I tried to say Jake's name. It came out so quietly. It was barely above a whisper. Jake didn't look up initially. I later discovered that he had assumed that I was moaning. I was, in fact, crying and terrified. I whispered, "No.. no.. Jake.. Jake.." trying to get his attention. I felt my head going under the water. My legs weren't responding and my arms were little more than flotation devices. My fingers opened and tried to scratch at the side of the hot tub. I knew that if my head went under far enough, I would drown. I got water in my nose and my mouth. I sputtered and coughed. Jake suddenly looked up in time to see Carl back away from me. He jumped up and, hoping that he hadn't seen what he had seen, shoved Carl back. Carl laughed and said, "Dude, I think she wants a threesome!" Jake scowled at Carl and said, "No. She's not that girl." He pulled me up and demanded that Carl help remove me from the hot tub. As they pulled me inside, I couldn't walk. My legs wouldn't work and I didn't know where I was for a moment. Jake helped me to the bathroom and told me that I needed to throw up. He didn't know that I'd hit my head and thought that if I got the alcohol out of my system, I'd feel better. I obliged and threw up several times, expelling most of the water. Jake walked me into his room afterwords. He told Carl to go to bed. I whined and whimpered before I went to sleep. The next morning, I woke up next to Jake. I was initially okay with this. I sat up, having no memory of the night before, and realized that I was covered in blood. My legs were coated and there was a large puddle underneath me. I knew I wasn't having a period. I felt a sudden sick feeling in my stomach and asked Jake what had happened. Jake, being in denial at that time, said that he didn't know, but that I should be okay. As we all woke and made our rounds of food and showers, Carl came into the living room and asked for help. He needed help filing for divorce from his wife, who he had repeatedly cheated on. I offered to help, still unaware of what had happened the night before. The next several hours were spent going to the local courthouse, helping him get his paperwork filed and trying to calm him down. He'd made a comment about how lucky Jake was that I loved him and had even said that he would never hurt me if he and I were to get together. I laughed at that, telling him that I was flattered but that my heart was Jake's. At day's end, I decided to go back to our local bar. There weren't more than ten people there. Jake was with me as was another of our friends (I'll call him Ben). Ben had introduced Jake and I. I trusted him explicitly. About two hours after we'd arrived, someone got up and began to sing The Mars Volta's "The Widow". Out of nowhere, I began to feel this intense sense of dread and nausea. It was almost a full 24 hours after the rape and my memories were suddenly flooding back to me. I went up to Ben and said, "I need to talk to you. I think I was raped." Ben put his hands on my shoulders and asked, "By who?!" I winced, not realizing that my shoulders and back were as deeply bruised as they were. I looked him in the eyes and said, "Carl." Ben took me outside and sat me down, telling me to talk to him. I told him that I'd hit my head the night before and was beginning to remember details. I told him what I've written here. I began to shake and cry as I spoke to him, beginning to feel the disgust for myself. I felt guilt. I felt stupid. I felt like I had put myself in that situation. I felt, like most of us do, as though I'd asked for it. It didn't matter that the words "I want to have sex with you" never came out of my mouth. It didn't matter that I'd said "no" so quietly. I felt solely responsible and disgusted. Ben called Jake outside and began asking for his account. As Jake spoke, he began to shake his head. The realization of what had happened began to solidify with him. Finally, Ben asked him straight, "Did Carl rape her?" Ben stopped and looked at the ground before forcing out the word, "Yes." Ben immediately stood up and said, "You're coming with me. I'm going to take you somewhere safe." He could see that I was terrified. Carl, right then, showed up and, smiling and laughing, said, "Hey guys!" He couldn't understand why I was crying and why Ben was helping me to his car. I stayed at Ben's house that night. I curled up in his bed in a ball and he held me. I found out later that he'd known so many women in his family to have been raped. He wouldn't have held me except that I asked him to. I wanted to go away. I wanted to disappear. No where felt safe. Not even my own body. He served to hold me inside my own skin that night. He never laid a finger on any other part of my body. He just wrapped his arms around me and slept. The next morning, Ben handed me $50 and told me to go to the local pharmacy and get a Plan B in case. I initially refused. He said, "I don't want you having to deal with a pregnancy from this man. Just do it. For me." I nodded and went to get Plan B. That was just the start. Over the next two weeks, I was unable to look at myself in the mirror. My appearance went to hell. My closet doors were mirror doors, so being in my room was hard, but the only place I felt like I could hide. I began getting violently ill. One day, my father passed me in our hallway and gently put his hand on my arm. He asked me about the bruises. I didn't realize how bad they were. My right shoulder, neck, back and ribs were covered in one giant bruise. I flushed with shame and told him that I'd fallen down some stairs. Being clumsy, he could understand. He didn't completely believe me, but agreed not to push it. I ended up going to the urgent care about two days after his questions. I wore long jeans and a hoodie. I kept my head covered and thought that everyone was staring at me and my bruises, even though they weren't. I went in and told the doctor that I needed to get a pelvic exam and an STD test. I told them about the fevers, nausea and problems urinating. A female doctor came in finally and I just broke wide open. I told her I'd been raped and that I didn't want to report it. I was defensive and almost hostile. She brought in a nurse and they both very gently talked to me about RAINN. I didn't know what it was at the time, but it saved my life. Two weeks after that, I had spoken with RAINN counselors, my own therapist and another therapist. It turned out that, while I hadn't become pregnant and hadn't contracted any STD's, the internal damage was severe. I had multiple tears and small hemorrhages. I'd also managed to pick up a VERY nasty bladder infection. They treated me with antibiotics initially and informed me that I would likely develop endometriosis. They couldn't do much for my concussion, but marked my chart with having sustained a moderate one. Here we are, four years later. My husband is Jake. We don't talk about that night often because it triggers me. As well, he feels responsible. He feels as though he would have been able to prevent it had he not been drunk. We both feel that way. For a while after the rape, I did what so many rape victims do when their rapists were people they knew: I tried to normalize the situation. I tried to pretend it never happened. I pretended that we were all friends and everything was fine. It took almost nine months before I finally refused to speak to Carl. He was enraged by this. He has since stalked me via social media. He has threatened death to my husband and I. Only once did he admit what he did in a mass letter to several people via Facebook. I still have that letter. I still have pictures of my injuries. I have discovered as well that he has raped, over the past 10 years, at least 7 men and women. None of them felt safe enough to report him. None before and none after. There was one girl who reported him for stalking and harassment, but the case was dismissed because his father's lawyer had intimidated the witnesses. The judge who dismissed that case was a new mother of a little girl. I haven't heard from him since 2014 except that, every few months, he creates new social media accounts. He'll use Facebook and create new accounts. He'll follow me on Twitter and Instagram. I've decided that he is terrified of and angry with me because I never reported it and he thinks that I will. The truth of the matter is that I just want to pretend it never happened. I know that's impossible, though. I know that he lives here still. I know that he'll come after me for the rest of my life. I know that, until he is caught red-handed, he will continue to rape men and women because he feels entitled to do so. I wrote this letter because it needs to be written. This story needs to be told. Over the past four years, I have learned that rape is NEVER okay. It is NEVER the victim's fault. I didn't ask him or give him permission to take from me what he took. It doesn't matter if you're drunk. The law is clear (except in Oklahoma) that a person who is inebriated cannot give consent. I have learned that I didn't ask for it. He took it. I implore everyone to please be safe. Most rapes occur with someone the victim knows and trusts. Encourage sex education. Encourage safety. Encourage an end to rape culture. Don't pressure victims into reporting their rapists. Don't shame them for not reporting their rapes. The physical, spiritual, mental and emotional toll rape takes is indescribable. A person can go years without a trigger and, one day, they may see one thing that brings it all back. Rape ruins lives. It nearly ruined mine. I am a survivor. Sincerely, A rape survivor
I Am Going To Put My Name As Anonymous For Safely Issues Well I Want To Share My Story With Yall Well Let Me Start By Saying That When I Started To Get Molested I Was Around 7 Or Less But I Really Dont Know How I Was Cause I Dont Have a Lot Of Memory Well I Want To Say That I am Currently 15 And I Still Get Flash Backs Of What Happen Well Let Me Start My Story.Well When I Was Little My Mom Will Always Found Me Awake In The Middle Of The Night I Dont Know Why I Would Just Wake Up Cause I Was Scared I Really Didn't Know What Was I Scared Of But She Will Always Take Me Back To Bed And Waited For Me To Fall Asleep And I Always Shared Room With My 3 Brothers But They Were Always Dead Asleep When I Would Wake Up.Well i Remember That My mom Will Always Send Me To Her Room To Get Her Something Well While I Was Over There My Dad Will Go And Hug Me From The Back I Didn't Know What Was He Doing But I Knew Later On Like A Few Years Later That He Was Touching My Boobs Well Years Went By And By Age 12 I Got Sick One Day And My Mom Told Me To Go Sleep With Her And My Dad Well She Told Me To Sleep Between Them So I Did Well It Was Around 2 in The Morning When i Started To Get a Fever I Woke Up And I Felt A Hand Under My Clothes I Was Like Whats Happening Well I Open My Eyes And I Saw My Dad I Was Like Holy S*** What Is Wrong With Him He Did Not Notice That I Was Awake A few Minutes :Later He Woke Me Up Saying "Wake Up Time For Your Pills" I Open My Eyes And Follow Him To The Kitchen Pretending Nothing Had Happen Well Then I Get Back To The Room And Saw My Mom Was Sleeping On The Floor I Am Like What IS She Doing There But When i Went To The Room My Dad Went To The Bathroom And Got Dressed To Go To Work I Was Like What Am I Going To Do I Didn't Know What To Say.Well Monday Came Up I Told My Mom But I Guess She Wasn't Paying Attention When I Told Her Well I Went To School That Day I Was Still Sick Well That Same Day I Tried To Kill My Self Because I Felt So Disgusting Of My Self Well Time Went By But When Time Went By He Will Always Go To My Room And Check To See If My Brothers Were Asleep Then He Would Go To My Bed And Start Molesting Me I Really Didn't Know What To Do A Year Went By I Started 6 Grade Well In 6 Grade I Started To Hangout With Some Friend That Would Self Harm Well I Started To Self Harm Cause They Said That It Will Help Me Get Relieve So Then One Day I Got Caught With Some Blades And They Search On My Body To See If I Had Cuts Well They Did Found Some So Then They Called My Parents And Inform Them About Me Self Harming Well That Day I Tried To Kill My Self Again Didn't Work But I Was Still Getting Molest So I Didn't Know What To Do So Then I Started To Get Counseling Because OF My Self Harm Well Like I Didn't Want To Say A Word The Counselor Gave Up On Me And Let Me Go Well Counseling Was Over For Me Well 7 Grade Started Well I Started To Get Into Too Much Fight At School And Because Of My Behavior I Started Counseling Again Well They Will Go And Talk To The Whole Family About Safety Issues Because They Were Saying That They Were In Danger With Me Livening With Them But In My Mind I Would Say I Am In Danger Because I Get Molest But I Never Said Nothing About It Well My Mom Was Pregnant So When She Stayed In The Hospital For Delivery And To Be Checked On For 3 Days Well They Day She Give Birth Me And My Brothers and My Dad Got Home Around 2 My Brothers Were Tired So They Fall Asleep And While They Where Sleeping My Dad Got Me As Hard As He Could And Cover My Mouth Then He Raped Me Well I Really Didn't Know What To Do Because I Was Weak Well Time Went By Well He Will Always Tell Me To Go With Him Some Place To Help Him Out Well He Will Always Take Me To The Woods I Dont Know Where And He Will Make Me Suck His D*** But I Never Did I Refuse To Do it He Will Always But Stuff To Make Me Do it He Always Made Me Hold His D*** Well I Never Sucked His D*** But I Did Hold It...it Was So Disgusting But He Wont Leave Me Alone Well On June ,27 ,2015 Everything Was Discover That Morning He Got Back From Work SO Early Then Usual Well My Brother Had Went To Sleep With My Mom That Day So When My Dad Got Home He Shake Everyone's Head To Check They Were Asleep Well He Saw Every One Was Asleep SO He Went To My Room And Got On Top Of Me When My Brother Went To The Room And Saw Him On Top Of Me He Didn't tell My Mom Till The After Noon She Started To Ask Questions But I Deny Them All So Then My Dad Left To Work And My Mom Started To Ask Questions I Had Nothing TO Deny So I Told The Truth She Was So Surprise Well On June 29,2015 Is When She Decided To Call The Police They Took Him The Next Day We Had Court He Had Been Starting At Me The Whole Time I Was There But I Was Just Smiling Because Everything Was Over Well Thanks For Reading My Whole Story :)
I never thought something like this would ever happen to me. I was always careful… I’ve taken self defense classes, carried pepper spray, watched missing women on the news and was always cautious of my surroundings. It’s true when they say most woman are assaulted by someone they are close to and you never see it coming. My story starts at one of my first sorority formals. I was so excited to finally be embarking on a true sorority journey. I bought a brand new dress and even got my makeup done to make sure this day was perfect. I “pre-gamed” with my pledge class and even some of my sorority family to kick off what I thought would be an amazing night. My friend had set me up with someone from one of the most well known fraternities on our campus. The night started off extremely innocent. We drank, laughed, danced and overall were having a good time. Two hours later I had realized that I had drank too much and I had wanted to go home, I wasn’t feeling well. A couple of girls I knew were leaving in a taxi and I asked if I could join… they told me there was no room. My date swiftly came outside and said he would take me to the bathroom to help me feel better. I trusted him; he was a good friend of one of my sorority sisters. Little did I know…. This exact moment in time would change my entire life forever. He brought me into the men’s bathroom and demanded that anyone in there had to leave. He pushed me up against a wall and began to assault me. I was too weak to say anything… too weak to push back. Tears streamed softly down my face and I begged for him to stop but he wouldn’t. He left me on the bathroom floor while I was crying. Something that lasted on a couple of minutes felt like an entire lifetime. I’ll never forget this day and how much it has changed my life. ?Days, months, and years later I had always wondered if there was something I could have done to protect myself in that moment. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn that dress and had my makeup done. Maybe I shouldn’t have had too much to drink. Maybe I should have had the courage to scream and yell, maybe even punch? It took me a long time to cope with what had happened to me. I never told a soul. I was embarrassed and afraid that the blame would be shifted onto me. I chalked it up to me being drunk, me just being an idiot. Maybe I gave him misleading signs? Maybe my body language was saying I wanted him. The answer should be NO, you did nothing wrong. This wasn’t my fault no matter what was happening. NO means NO. I now am no longer that girl; I find it hard to trust men. I hate going into bathrooms by myself, but I will rise from what has happened to me and fight against sexual assault and I’m sharing my story for the first time today to let woman know that it’s not your fault.
In sixth grade, I was the mean girl. I was mean to the boys earning me the name "lesbian demon" . The boys took revenge on me. They stole the teachers key and went in the teacher bathroom which locks. I was pushed in and knocked out due when I hit my head. I watched As my BFF's Jazzy and Greg were restrained as I woke up to them stripping me and cutting me with a razor blade. They then cut off my bra with scissors and cut up my panties I saw that Greg had a boner so they let him go if he would rape me first. He then unlooped his buckle and then I felt it. They let Jazzy go on one condition: they told her to strip and make out with me. They raped and cut her as well. They didn't let her stop even when they dragged her boyfriend in there and had him rape us both.We heard the sound of keys as the door opened. The dean walked in and saw us he had the boys get out and closed the door. We then heard the belt loops again. "I'm sorry. I have a boner and you just happen to be here."and the rape started again. We called my friend and had her get our gym clothes and 3 packs of bandages. She walked in and saw us crying and we told her. We were late to 7th period and walked in crying. Our teacher scolded us and made us explain why we're late. I wrote to explain the injuries and why we're late she told us to call our parents and tell them. We took pictures and sent them.the boys weren't in trouble but we live in fear.
Part 1: The first time was my first time I was 14 years old when I lost my virginity. It was to a guy named Sean(21) that I had met on the basketball court while I was playing basketball with a mutual friend we had. My friend that was playing basketball left & Sean stayed with me. I didn’t know how old he was, but he knew how old I was when he asked my friend. He really charmed me that night & I instantly liked him. We had many things in common, he was sweet, funny, kind, overall seemed like a good guy. He had went back on his Up With People tour & around the same time I moved back to Orlando his tour ended. I had a job at the time & we found out later his best friend was my best friend too. So after work I would go to our mutual friend’s house Luis, & Sean would be there & we would hang out. After multiple hangout outs, & makeout sessions I started to actually want to have sex with him for the first time. I was nervous, but I really liked him so I was thinking about it. One day I decided to try xanax. I got it from my friend luis(18) I didn’t know how strong they were I thought it was like a weed pill, but soon I’d find out me taking this drug ruined my life. After multiple blackouts on this drug not being able to control how many i took cause I would be out of my mind when I took more. Sure the high would fade, but the moment I felt my reality coming back I took like 4 more. It was a vicious cycle i deeply regret. I had started to show symptoms of addiction in the matter of a few days. Sean had seen me messed up a few times at Luis’s I’d either be sleeping passed the fuck out, or doing, saying some dumb shit. One night, I stayed the night at luis’s like I had multiple times, but we were only good friends. Igor had school so he called and asked Sean to come get me. Sean lived on the third floor, I lived on the second and Igor lived on the first floor. So Sean came & got me and thought I was to fucked up to go to my house so he took me to his house. I don’t remember that night at all. I woke up the next day went down stairs got some weed & came back to his house he had asked me too. I smoked it on the porch cause the pills were making me nauseous. After I was laying down & I asked Sean for some water to take more pills. He got me water & saw me take 2 more. He went out of the room and came back a little later. By this time I was really out of it I was stumbling I fell onto him I asked him for a shirt and he gave me a really reveling muscle t. I don’t remember much this is just flashbacks. I started talking about having sex & then he asked me to take of my clothes in a rude tone. Then when he first penetrated me I pushed him away then we had sex for a short time and he came on my stomach. When it was over I was like in shock. I felt so out of it & i was registering I wasn’t a virgin anymore. I started crying and i didn’t even know why I was crying I was just in shock I guess. He asked me why I was crying & I told him i had taken some xanax. I don’t remember what happened after, but next thing I remember is I’m at luis’s and he asks me whats wrong and I just burst out in tears. He was my best friend, but he’s never seen me cry. I remember him getting me a tissue and hugging me and laughing. Next thing I remember is I call my best friend to tell her I lost my virginity. I don’t remember the conversation exactly. Then Luis invited his friend Stan over that I didn’t like cause he was a jerk. Luis told him what Sean & I did then Stan started asking questions I don’t remember exactly. I took pills again the next morning. A few days passed that I don’t remember, But I got severely depressed about how I lost my virginity It didn’t feel right, but I thought no Sean cares about me, no I initiated it it was all me, but why does this feel so wrong? Why do I feel so sad? I mean I did want to have sex didn’t I? before that happened I thought I was ready, but when it did happen he was so mean & I felt so used and I couldn’t even remember my first time it was all a blur. I just brushed it off in my denial world of pills. A guy I was talking to before Sean that I had cut off because he only wanted sex and i had felt Sean dissevered my virginity more than him. I had no more worth for myself I had thought this man cared about me & he took advantage of me at the time I hadn’t realized the quite yet because of the pills I just kept taking them so I’d black out and forget it. I invited Noah(17) over one night & he knew I was on pills because I told him, but I’m the one who invited him. We had sex I don’t really remember it at all then he left & I passed out and went to sleep. The next day my drug dealer was at my house I did’t know how he got there, but I remember us talking and he brought a blunt. Soon after he had sex with me too and left the next morning. I was sober after this for about a few days because I never went to work high on pills., and same with school, but i’m pretty sure some days i went messed up. While I was clear minded I started to realize what I’ve done and how the Sean thing still felt wrong. I started to question Luis about it. I asked him hesitantly if it was date rape. He told me no because I took the pill myself. A few days later or the next day not sure I was with my friend Liam smoking at my house I had started to feel scared around guys once I got the rape idea in my head, but I was still in denial. I had started to feel uncomfortable around Adam even though he wasn’t doing anything I was just paranoid. I had lost my trust for him. So I asked Luis to come and get me. Luis came and took me to his house and threatened Liam he’d cut off his balls if he ever touched me. I was sleeping in his bed when (17)Stan had shown up. Stan was never at Luis’s when I was there & I’d leave when he would show up because we didn’t like each other, but I had been in Luis’s bed sleeping next thing I know Stan is sleeping between Luis and I. I was up a few hours later and he's touching me I was breathing heavy, but I was in a blackout out until I herd Luis say “Stan fucking stop” I had woken up when Luis yelled that I didn’t realize what Stan was doing. Then a few hours later he started to touch me again. Luis told him to get up and they talked in the bathroom i herd Luis say “Don’t fucking touch her she’s fucked up mad I’ll hit you” When I heard this I could hear and see but I couldn’t move a muscle. A few hours later I remember Stan touching me again I looked at the clock it was about 5am Luis got up and left the room to sleep on the couch he said he got mad cause it was “too hot in his room” The moment Luis closed the door and Stan instantly got on top of me & I could barely keep my eyes open, talk, or move my own body. I remember him making me deep throat when I had never gave head before. He was positioning me in many different ways He made me move cause I couldn’t myself. that I have flashbacks of all the time. I remember the condom broke and he freaked out then just decided to not use a condom. I remember falling asleep at some point then i woke up and he was doing something else. The next morning I woke up and he left to go get the morning after pill. I don’t remember the day after I took more pills to drown out what happened. The next time I went to school i had a mental breakdown I had been doing research on rape and looking up how I felt cause I felt like I was going crazy. I looked up why I was feeling like that just to feel more normal. I was no longer the same person. I left school that day crying I couldn’t do it I had no more motivation I just wanted to die. My sister saw me walking and picked me up. She asked me why I was acting like that and I told her she told my mom and she called the cops on Sean & Stan I’ll never forget my mom screaming at the top of her lungs so angry “My daughter got raped by two guys!” She called the cops and i denied everything. I still didn’t want to believe it I wanted to protect Sean. One day I went to school crying to a teacher telling her everything. She asked me to report him, but I told her no. She let me skip my classes almost everyday cause being at school I just constantly had to go to the bathroom cry and have a panic attack. I stopped taking pills for a while after Stan because I was scared, but when I stopped taking them that’s when my reality finally hit. I started missing school almost everyday because when i went I’d have to see Stan on the bus, & I’d be so terrified. About a week later I reported Sean with the teacher that was letting me stay in her class. I had to meet with a detective at school and tell him everything. It was the first time I had to truly re live every moment of the rape. I met with him several times after. Sean soon herd what was going on and came and found me outside sitting at the pound. It was the first time I’d ever felt scared of him. I was shaking. We argued for hours on his version of what happened verses mine. He claimed he had no idea that I was on the bars, at first i thought he was lying, but the more and more he asked to hang out and talked to me he started to convince me he was right I just shut out the reasons I knew he wasn’t. cause who wants to believe they were raped when this man i cared about was telling me i wasn’t. He was 21 I was a 13 year old girl and I never registered he was just manipulating me to save himself. I told him about Stan and he’d tell me if anything Stan should get in trouble and not him. He would kiss me on the forehead when i left acting like he cared about me, but I was being a dumb young girl. When everyone important to me was telling me he’s manipulating me. I went to a therapist and accidentally turned in Stan the lady told me it was a confidential session so I told her about him and she reported it. I soon got scared of going through with turning them in. Sean was convincing me, I was scared to see them in court. So i stopped the case. Months later i stopped doing pills and I met a boy named Elias we started dating. He became a jerk and stood me up once, and showed up with another girl in the car. So I broke up with him. Then one night i got really high of xanax and weed i blackout that night i was with elias, Noah and another friend. Later that night (16)Elias and Noah had a plan to just leave me with Noah because I could barely walk, and vince wanted to have sex. He took me to the bathroom at the time i didn’t know what was going home and he took advantage of me, after that day I never hung out with Noah again and Elias for a while. I started dating my best friend (blank) he’s always been in love with me but i just loved the fact he loved me for me because no one else i cared about did. He was there for me through so much I’d stay the night at his house and he knew i didn’t want to have sex because I wasn’t ready. He would hold me at night when i cried about what happened and he’d be there for me trying to help me not give up when i already had. He’d make me get up and go to school and just tried to help rebuild me into the person i was. One night it was halloween I relapsed and i was at my ex boyfriend (blank)’s house so i felt safe. I had gotten my mom to call off of work for me. While I was messed up at my ex boyfriend’s house Elias calls me. Saying he wanted to get me for a halloween party. I was messed up and had never been to a party i was trying to be happy. Elias picked me up & didn’t even leave the complex I was all dressed up as a devil for a halloween party and he told me it had just canceled. Then some how I got in the back seat and he was trying to have sex i told him no and was pushing him off of me. My back was painfully hitting the inside of the side of his car and i was telling his that I was in pain and he needed to stop, but he wouldn’t then i saw camera flashes from outside of the car I asked him what was going on and he laughed. After words I told him that I didn’t want him to do that and he started saying really mean things like “you’re a hoee everyone knows” the rest i don't remember but i was crying and i told him to take me to building 8. When I got out of the car he almost hit me with it and sped off really fast. I stayed the night at Liam’s that night i cried told him what happened and then passed out in his closet. One day my mom and sister tried to get me help then I started getting pictures of that night elias raped me someone took pictures and i was being blackmailed. I started to freak out I don’t really remember this day at all and I didn’t even take pills. I had a mental breakdown that day and all 2 cases were back on including Elias’s. Ever since October 30th 2015 I’ve never taken another pill. So far I’ve been sober for 7 months. The court case with Sean he gets 6 years probation may be reduced to 3 years and is charged with “Child abuse”. Elias raped another girl from my school with a gun, and then stole his mom’s car and ran to Michigan she reported it stolen and he raped another girl in Michigan which reported him. I’m not sure whats happening to him yet, but I know it wont be good. Stan’s case I’ve herd absolutely nothing. I’m hurt that this happened, but I’m getting better. I met a man I love, but issues from my past effect us. I regularly have flashbacks and they live in my neighborhood so I'm scared to walk anywhere. Ever since this happened I’ve defiantly grown and am doing the best i can. I tried to kill myself 3 times after these events, but i’ve stopped now. It really sucks that this has ruined my life and I’m barely getting justice, but there’s nothing I can do and its sad. These men took away my voice, and destroyed my worth. Now I’m fighting shard to get my confidence back. So after all this I feel like this event has truly made me grow. I see the world as a different place. I dropped out of school and constantly spend my time at my boyfriends house. He showed me love again. Even though these events still harm our relationship he tries to show me there’s more to me than what happened. I remember telling my dad months after this all had happened. My mom told me she told him, but she never did. So that day I was in the car with him with tears running down my face saying over and over "I thought she told you." When he found out at first he was sympathetic, but then as time went by his anger set in. He started screaming how it was all my mother's fault and she should've know. Seeing my dad like that, having to tell him that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Man in Florida ruined my innocence I’ve felt sorrow I’ve felt vengeance I felt what it was like to lose God Tears run down my face allot no one understood I felt the guilt and the blame I felt what it was like to be ashamed being in my own skin felt different When I said no what else could it have meant I felt the world as a different place My reality hit my heart would race I’ve felt driving in a car and breaking down because the flashbacks are here and now everyday they say grow stronger but I feel my self breaking longer day by day I got better found a man to write me letters I have felt love again but all my trust is gone I struggle to get better but as long as i stay alive I know I can forever.
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5/28/2016
This is a letter to the world.
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5/20/2016
I Am Going To Put My Name As Anonymous For Safely Issues Well I Want To Share My Story With Yall Well Let Me Start By Saying That When I Started To Get Molested I Was Around 7 Or Less But I Really Dont Know How I Was Cause I Dont Have a Lot Of Memory...
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5/19/2016
I never thought something like this would ever happen to me.
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5/18/2016
In sixth grade, I was the mean girl.
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5/16/2016
Part 1: The first time was my first time I was 14 years old when I lost my virginity.
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5/15/2016
This is going to be hard but I think sharing might help .
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5/13/2016
they say forgive and you will forget but I have forgiven but never forgot, everyday being reminded by the years of being molested by my best friends dad at the age of 6-8 to scared to tell anyone because I didn't know what he was capable of, ...
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5/9/2016
After a bad breakup, my best friend set me up a Tinder.
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5/6/2016
so i just wanted to tell you about my story how i was molested and almost raped.
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5/1/2016
Here is My Story: Its May 1, 2016.
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